Flavor of the Week: The Snapchat Update

So, this happened yesterday:

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And like Kim Kardashian, it seems Snapchat broke the internet. Which isn’t so surprising when you consider the assets with which Kim Kardashian and Snapchat make themselves so popular.

The pimp-my-Snapchat update includes a new Discover feature and beautified contacts and settings menus. It also removed the Best Friends feature. Sorry if I just put you back into cardiac arrest. Drink a green juice and get over it.

While the update seemed rather irrelevant to me – I mean, I never update any of my apps, anyway – Girl World was shaken up like a good martini. When my friend received a text: “OMG. GAME CHANGER.” I assumed the sender was talking about a guy. Three hours later I found out she was speaking about Snapchat and was utterly disappointed. Last night, my friend Shira texted me (she is the soulless icon and I, a beacon of springtime and florals, am the orange daisy):

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Our conversation continued. I, being the master of assholery, was like huh it’s nbd that’s not even the best and sultriest part of Snapchat, and Shira was like well JK LOL when I said “not actually” I meant “actually” because it 100 percent is.

So, Shira and I mutually agreed upon having a rap battle here on The FYD (which we do weekly anyway but usually not this publicly) to hash out our conflicting opinions related to, but not limited to, the following: what we are most obsessive about on Snapchat, what is the most revealing part of Snapchat, what is the most scandalous part of Snapchat, is the Best Friend feature that crucial and will its absence form a gaping well in the bottoms of our young, feminine hearts. Amen.

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Shira Tarlo: Bucknell student, models her rapping style after Taylor Swift in “Thug Story,” wears a lot of cool lace, really likes Joseph Gordon-Levitt but not in a cliché way, and defender of Best Friends:

Once I noticed Snapchat’s elimination of my favorite feature, I immediately texted my BFF Jill Hannah, freaking out. However, Hannah didn’t give me the reaction I expected – she said that the BFF list is irrelevant and the ability to see who viewed your Snapstory is way more important. Hannah, my dear, you are so wrong on this one!

A person’s snapchat BFF list can tell a lot about him. This feature is perhaps the most innovative and discrete way to stalk your ~crush~, maybe your ex-boyfriend, as you can look through his list of Snapchat BFFs without him ever knowing. Although this feature causes us to overanalyze, pry, and stalk people to an unhealthy extent [Ed. note: is stalking ever that unhealthy???? Lolz.], it can lead us to draw some accurate conclusions – more accurate than other social media sites offer. For example: if you’re on his top list, there’s a good chance he only personally responds to your snaps and not to his other suitors’. Additionally, if you suspect two people are, well, getting freaky, and they are both on each other’s Snapchat list of best friends, then they most likely are, well, getting freaky.

When Snapchat first debuted the Snapstory, I was obsessed with it because it let me share photos and videos with all of my Snapchat friends and then see who was interested enough in my life to view them. Boy, I was so excited to see that my crush from three summers ago viewed it! However, my excitement about this feature slowly withered as it gained popularity. Like, how exciting is it really that your crush from three summers ago viewed your Snapstory? Suddenly, most of my Snapchat friends posted photos and videos to their feed daily, so that I was just overwhelmed by the amount of Snapchat notifications. Because I’m so obsessive, I have to click everyone’s Snapstory to rid myself of the notification (sorry Snapfriends, I don’t really watch your Snapstories that attentively!). In other words, seeing who viewed your Snapstory is irrelevant because most people are probably just clicking it to rid themselves of the notification. So Hannah, my love, maybe let’s agree to disagree on this one?

Hannah Pasternak, this is her home turf, models her rapping style after DMX in “The XX Gon’ Give It To Ya,” currently enjoys Kevin Spacey movies and these high waisted exercise leggings she’s wearing as pants, defender of the Snapstory:

I know someone who knows someone who would send a guy a text and then check Snapchat. Not to see his Best Friends, not to see if he viewed her Snapstory, but to look at his score. I don’t think anyone really knows how a Snapchat score is formulated. But if he didn’t answer her for a while and was seemingly ignoring her, she would check his Snapchat score again to see if it had changed. If it had, that meant he had his phone with him, was checking his phone, knew she texted, did something on Snapchat (that obviously didn’t involve her as a recipient), and still didn’t respond to her.

Which burn is bigger: knowing he ignored you, or knowing how much of a psycho you must be to figure out this method?

That’s why I believe in a simpler method of stalking; the best and most exciting part of Snapchat, by far, is the Snapstory function. Especially when you are involved with a boy who loses his phone a lot but also has a short temper so you never really know if he’s ignoring you because he’s mad (he views your Snapstory but ignores your texts) or if he just went AWOL for a few days (no texts, no Snapstories, no problemz).

Once or twice, I’ve checked certain people’s Best Friends. It was more like an accidental click on the vertical alphabet, on the right side of Snapchat, that leads one to people’s usernames – and thereby, their Best Friends – and then I’m like oh wow this is thrilling. I think the reason why I’ve never become obsessed with stalking people’s relationships via their Best Friends list is because I’ve never been shocked by a Best Friend list I’ve seen. Ever. No drama, no scandal, and rarely a heterosexual match.

IMHO, which is a new acronym I’ve learned meaning “In my honest opinion,” let bygones be gones… Best Friend list, see ya later.

After all, the satisfaction lies not in knowing your person-of-interest ignored your text and viewed your Snapstory, but that he couldn’t resist viewing your Snapstory out of envy and FOMO even though he knows he’s trying to be mad at you.

Or he could just be viewing your Snapstory because the notification is annoying him, in which case, I’m screwed.

So, what are your HOs (honest opinions) about the break up between Snapchat and BFFs and, with it, the potential ability to resuscitate your dignity?