On Toilet Seat Indulgence


Millennials love two things: narcissism and technology.

Most of the time, these things are very much the same. They come hand in hand like Jack and Jill down the hill; one feeds the other when it’s hungry, hungover, and withering. Consider the purpose of tagged Facebook photos, the ultimate intersection of self esteem and social media. Do they have a true purpose in the grand scheme of life? Were we missing something beforehand? Not really. Unlike utilitarian items such as the tampon or the coffee cup sleeve, there was no prior demand that a Facebook photo perfectly fulfilled.

If I had to choose and cut out a few of the things I do just to toot my own horn, I’d give up Facebook any day. I’d give it all up, selfie Sunday and throwback Thursday included, as long as I could keep Toilet Seat Indulgence.

Toilet Seat Indulgence is how I obnoxiously steal time from myself in order to enjoy a few extra minutes of serenity with my iPhone on the toilet. I’m not even going to make excuses for myself to justify Toilet Seat Indulgence. There’s no, “I was pooping! It’s okay that I sat there for twenty minutes!” because most of the time, Toilet Seat Indulgence is much simpler and happens more frequently than not on a trip to the loo.

A tinkle that should last a minute takes five to seven. I check my emails, open up the afternoon’s Snapstories, scroll through Instagram. I take a nice breather, stretch the legs. Sometimes, I just sit there and stare into space. I get carried away in the necessary time I take for myself, if you consider using the bathroom a necessary task.

My mom thinks it’s absurd that I have to pee every hour and a half. She says that when I’m pregnant, I’m going to be so screwed that I’ll have to wear a diaper. But what if my pees were all Toilet Seat Indulgences? What if at the first sign of a beckoning bladder, I crave Toilet Seat Indulgence more than I do fluid release? I mean, who needs the bathroom more than they need a little inner peace, Instagram roundups, and chakra balancing?

A lot of people take issue with others when, at dinner, out to coffee, or even lounging at home, they take their phones to the bathroom. Sure, taking my phone to the bathroom might mean I have something to hide: my Toilet Seat Indulgence.

It isn’t even about intentional multitasking. It’s not about getting things done because I might as well while I’m “just sitting there.” It’s about me — it all about me — and my little phone to entertain. It’s about getting so distracted from real life and so focused on the digital that we could find ourselves sitting for days. It’s the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, ever. But instead you’re on the toilet.

I must have a few Toilet Seat Indulgence sympathizers out there. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Most importantly, be careful of where you put your phone when you wipe and flush. There is a possibility of survival post-dropping it into the toilet. But still. That’s just gross.

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