Flavor of the Week: Surviving Finals

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Everyone loves to complain. If it’s another excuse to talk about yourself, it doesn’t matter if your life absolutely sucks. It’s still talking about yourself, and it’s the thought that counts. Complaining makes the struggle worth the pain.

Naturally, then, we would all love finals season.

HA. Ha ha ha.

Wait, did you read that as “ho ho ho?” Oh goodness, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to misconstrue holiday joy where there is only the sunken, sullen faces of us poor children who have no time to eat anything other than ice cream and cupcakes for the next two weeks. That’s right, you heard me. We simply have no time to eat anything else so don’t ask about the hardened frosting on the corner of my lip. (Perhaps we also have time for Chinese food and brunch. These are the only exceptions.)

Have you ever felt guilty about wearing leggings every day of the week? And if leggings are not considered pants, then have you ever felt guilty about not wearing pants every day of the week? Asking for a friend.

Let’s role play every conversation going on around campus at this very moment.

Person 1: Hey! How are you?

Person 2: Hanging in there. Stressed. How are you?

Person 1: Samesies. When are you done?

Person 2: This date that has no real relevance to you and that you will never remember. How about you?

Person 1: Ugh, you’re lucky. You’re done early. I’m going home on this date that has no relevance to your life, that you won’t remember, and that you definitely don’t care about.

Person 2: I’m gonna run because I’ve gotta get back to work, but good luck with everything!!

Person 1: Yeah… you too!

You’re either yet to leave your room (this week) or you don’t remember the last time you were in it. You can’t tell if you’re out of breath because you haven’t worked out since before Thanksgiving or if you’re breaking out into a panic attack faster than a street artist breaks out into interpretive dance. Is that chocolate making me nauseas or is it totally what I need? Probably both.

Drinking your coffee black will help you feel more intense. It will also trigger your stomach ulcers. Eat lots of avocado because apparently, the world supply on them is low. Also eat it because it’s healthy. We’re running out of chocolate, too, so I guess eat them together. Eat them together at brunch, which is all you have time for. Order the Nutella waffles and the fancy Eggs Benedict, which is apparently a proper noun. And don’t forget to capitalize correctly in that English essay!

Be your own Tiger Mom. Everyone knows all the cool kids deleted their Netflix accounts, or disabled them, or whatever. The new method of procrastination is to spend twenty minutes adjusting your beanie in the bathroom mirror and taking a Snapchat of it before you screw it up all over again. The library is #cold.

All nighters are never worth it, but it might be worth it to say you did one. You are sick, tired, anxious, and all of the above. But don’t always circle “e” just because it’s there — your professor is probably trying to trick you.

I don’t know which unanswered question I should be more concerned about: that study guide essay topic, or the curiously sour taste in my mouth. Am I dehydrated? Maybe I’m hungry. More cake, then!

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