On Getting Likes


A little while ago, we spoke about the absurd ways in which girls unnaturally position their bodies to look good for pics. This is more of a standard operation, as people practice, in the mirror, locking their knees to enhance their quads, separating their upper arm from their boob-area to create the arm-gap (with similar intentions to the fake thigh gap, where one’s feet are awkwardly separated). However, you can only do so much to look as unnatural flattering as possible. You can give yourself mirror pep talks while “Bang Band” blares in the background — or perhaps that’s just me — until you’ve lost your voice. I guess that wouldn’t be that bad, though, because then you’ve perfected the JAPpy rasp voice in addition to the ideal body. So maybe stick with those mirror pep talks. They might be working for you.

Hopefully, if you did not already practice posing more than you did for your Bat Mitzvah Torah portion, then you started to after reading my How Girls Look Good in Pictures post. But there’s still something we’ve yet to conquer: racking up the likes.

I remember the days when getting 11 likes on an Instagram photo was the world’s biggest deal. Imagine me and my friends sitting around the cafeteria lunch table, wondering if we were “Are we out of the woods??????” T. Swift style for the whole 20 minutes it took to get to 11. And once we did, we were happy if we hit 13, or 22 max, and that was that. Today, the ideal minimum is 50 if you’re a normal person and 150 if you’re sixteen. And with the Facebook pro pic? Everyone probably aims for a hundo plus. But then again, even my mom got 120 likes on a mupload of my two little brothers and me sleeping in the same bed. I think we should accept the fact that moms get more mupload likes, and we get more profile picture likes, and that’s the way it is. A bunch of moms get together, wear tight jeans, go into the city for dinner, take a picture, and are guaranteed the 50. The 20 of them that are at the dinner all like the picture, and then their husbands all like it (so that’s 30-35ish more) and then the girlies who weren’t invited but “send my love!!!!!” give likes too, and then the kids of those parents who are all jealous that their moms are more inebriated than they are throw in a final few to cap it off at 65, 70, 75…

I know some people who put more thought into their social media presences than Mary Kate and Ashley do into looking like chic zombies with unruly eyebrows. I’ve stolen my knowledge of attaining likes from these people. However, I’m not the most reliable of sources. I just started getting past the 100 mark on Insta this summer, and my profile pictures were never stellar. Whateva. I suppose it’s a topic that needs to be addressed, no matter how reliable your source is, after all.

1. Look as good as possible. So you might want to read this.

2. Or, look funny/cute. You don’t have to look hot. Funny gets points.

3. Solo shot FTW. (That means it’s usually a photo of just you.)

4. I know that you’re supposed to hashtag so that your photo comes up when the hashtag is searched for, but don’t. Don’t #hashtag.

5. This one really pisses me off: tag yourself in your profile picture. That way, it’ll resurface on newsfeeds from here to China for fresh eyes to see. (Ed. note: THAT’S SO EGOTISTICAL!!!! If the photo is your profile picture, then I hope you’re in it…)

6. Lyke 4 Lyke!!!!

7. Don’t Insta multiple times a day. Some people are annoying about their likes, and only give them out scarcely. But hello, this is not like distributing pound-sized Hershey bars on Halloween, this is a digital like that has only cultural and social value. Still, people continue to be unnecessarily frugal with their likes and overly generous when buying you a shot at the bar. We’ll take what we can get.

8. Filter when you need it, but consider the nofilter. Or, the #NoFilter.

9. The less you wear, or the less material whatever you are wearing is made of, the more likes you’ll get. This is sad. This is kind of like social media prostitution. It works, though.

10. Food. Take the pic with a flash. Increase the contrast. Ya done.

11. Okay, so food/small animals.

12. Utilize the caption, because a girl who can make a good caption is usually a keeper.

How else do you decide what to Insta, assuming that you base your decision off the potential like count. If you don’t do this, and I sound really stupid, then I’m incredibly sorry. Pretend I’m a wall. I’ve just been stuck around girls who time their muploads in accordance with the highest number of online Facebook friends for way too long.

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