Flavor of the Week: Crying

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Last Thursday was very bad. It was one of those days where I constantly dropped everything — literally, I mean. Like I actually knocked everything over and could not seem to grasp onto any object, including but not limited to: entire contents of wallet (this happened TWICE), keys, phone, toothbrush. I couldn’t make it through half of my usual exercise routine because of a nausea that could’ve been PMS cramps, could’ve been something I ate, but really might’ve been gas pain. Who really knows these days? I locked myself out and had to walk A WHOLE BLOCK to pick up a spare key. When I finally came home, half-sweaty, nauseas, and apparently butter-fingered, I knew what I had to do. I had to cry.

I wasn’t going to cry, but I pushed myself to in the delightful possibility that it might make me feel better. I lied on my bed, face down, still-sneakered feet dangling off the bottom edge, and sobbed into my elbow. After five-ish minutes of this, I decided I was done with the cry like I would be with an empty jar of peanut butter I’d been scraping from for days.

I would classify myself a ‘crier,’ but that’s much too bland a term. Let’s be realistic: everyone cries. But everyone cries differently.

You have the people who say they don’t cry at all, or they don’t remember the last time they cried. There are people like this, and I do believe them when they make this claim. I mean, if everyone was a crier, the world would look a lot more different than it does. You’d see a lot more crying.

Then, you’ve got the people that cry when only they truly have to. They cry when something genuinely upsets them, rationally so. This, of course, can become subjective. For example, I can pretend I’m in this category by being like, EVERYTHING RATIONALLY UPSETS ME THAT’S WHY I CRY SO MUCH. If you’re truly someone who cries only when she absolutely has to, you wouldn’t be trying to rationalize something that’s rational in the first place, nor would you ever try to rationalize it in all caps, because that is usually considered an irrational thing to do.

There are the token sobbers, wailers, and moaners. The ugly criers. They’re emotional and affected. And while they seem dramatic, they are actually that upset about something that actually upset them that much. Crying is just their response. Think Kim Kardashian, but just as ugly and even sadder. A sad, from the wells of your heart cry.

This brings us to the PMS crier. She’s really emotional, really irrational, but doesn’t cry that dramatically. She kind of always has tears in her eyes, which sometimes get thicker and more watery than other times. This is the girl to whom everyone asks, “Are you crying?????” in a ‘come on’ sort of manner, and she’s always like, “No, I’m not!!!!!!!!” but she replies in that crying voice that shows that, yes, she is, obviously, crying.

The stress crier is similar to the people who cry when they have to. The stress crier feels hopeless and in complete despair. She’s also similar to the PMS crier, except PMS crying is more sensitive crying and stress crying is more rational when you have been served a big plate o’ shit for dinner, and all you really wanted was pumpkin fro-yo (’tis the season), and you don’t know what to do about your quickly unraveling life.

The funniest is by far the angry crier. You know who the angry crier is for one of two reasons: you’ve seen her angry cry, or she’s blatantly said, “I cry when I’m angry.” For some reason, angry criers always seem to speak with candor when it comes to their condition, and they consistently label themselves as “an angry crier.” I can never tell if I’m an angry crier, which means I might not be one, and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen an angry crier in action. This is probably a good thing because it means no one in my recent memory has been angry enough at me to angry cry.

You hate this one, I do too: the drunk crier!!!!! Wahooooo! Her melancholy centers around depression, loneliness, something vaguely sad that happened three to five years ago (Becky, I am so sorry that I hooked up with Jared when you liked him and I cannot believe I let us grow apart so much because of it! I’m such a shitty friend and I ruined our friendship! Now I’ll never have it back! You meant so much to me! The truth of the matter is that Becky never liked you very much in the first place…), from drunk girl drama, and, of course, boy drama that comes in the form of “No one loves me, I’m a sad old hag” or “Why is he dancing with another girl?!?!? I thought he was mine!!” or “Why didn’t he text me!!!!” and “Why isn’t he here?!??!”

Which am I, then, if I’m not just a crier? I’m definitely a PMS crier. I’m an angry crier, but mostly when I’m angry at myself. I tend to have the occasional ugly sob. Whenever I look in the mirror while I’m crying — and I don’t know why I do this, it’s probably out of sheer curiosity, or maybe I do so with the intention of giving myself a silent pep talk via intense eye contact — my crying usually gets worse. It may be because I realize I’m not a pretty crier, or I just begin to feel bad for myself from an outside perspective. You know what they say: there’s nothing worse than self-pity besides real pity! Eventually, after a few long seconds, I walk away from the mirror and lie on my bed again, and maybe cry a little bit more until I stop. Then I go to the mirror again and realize that my eyes will be swollen for the next twelve hours, and I usually regret crying in the first place. Especially on a Friday or Saturday afternoon, it usually isn’t worth it.

If you can pull off the slow, pretty tears gliding down my face cry, then definitely go for it all days of the week. Your eyes won’t swell, and you’ll absolutely glisten!

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