On Wearing My Big Girl Pants (Thongs)
Throughout my experience as a normal female, I have seen many who know the “yes’s” and many who don’t to wearing proper, feminine underwear. In my eyes, there are only a few excuses as to why one would not wear a thong: she additionally uses her panties as a sanitary napkin, she cannot control her urine, and she does not know the lingerie aisle exists (even at K-Mart).
Sixth grade was also the year that my grandfather passed away. On his birthday in April we went to visit his grave, throwing ourselves a nice little picnic. I had decided to wear my brown leggings that day, of course, neglect of thong. I remember running around the graveyard with my little brothers and cousins. It looked just like a scene from The Sound of Music. My Julie Andrews moment was shattered when I noticed my mother staring at my ass in disgust. She called me over to tell me the most beautiful, ugly truth. “Hannah,” she said, “it’s time to get you a thong.”
This day was arguably one of the most significant in my life because I became a woman. Who knew that all it took was $20 at Target? I highly recommend the 5 for $25 deal at Victoria’s Secret as well.
Here is a checklist to help the average granny-panty wearer get started:
- Do you still have wedgies?
- Do you wonder why your Kim Kardashian-esque ass hasn’t been checked out?
- Is your favorite designer Fruit of the Loom?
- Does your aging mother still shop for your panties?
- Have you been single your entire life?
- When you put on leggings, do you find yourself asking, “why does it feel like I’m trying to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?”